I think many spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that a healthy relationship requires compromise, compassion, and patience. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. 9. You cant change something you dont know needs to be fixed. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? Got plenty of time to think about it. It was my truck. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". I didn't nag on him, or hate him, or unkind. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. I am not an illness. Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. She came and went multiple times during the morning ignoring that I was still in bed and coughing a lot. The unfinished projects and dreams. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. If your S.O. When I am sick I want to be left alone, just let me sleep it off. An epiphany. When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". Become a Mighty contributorhere. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. Right now I'm back at the house trying to get some stuff in order. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. Wise1. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. I hope you left him. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. So, for me, this could be more mental illness that just hasn't been diagnosed yet, and he is too afraid to find out anything else other than the "acceptable" ADHD. He might show it in other ways. That's just great! Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. Lets look at the options: 1. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. I have taken you for granted. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! yikes!! And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. That's life. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. Ask for forgiveness. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. NOTHING HELPED. Once in a while he says hello but its almost like it never happened. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Unreal. Always. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. Bottom line? Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. In preparation, he never did set up a way to communicate with her (In the entire last year), did not reach out to her before or after the surgery. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. Maybe he's dated someone like that. Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. is already like this, it will only get worse. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". Please share ~ the relief is amazing! He played video games.A LOT, and watched a lot of movies, and cook his food in deep fryers which has made the house smell like an old dirty grease pit, with the cupboards, shelves, and countertops, floors, all caked with grease. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. Many years ago I had appendicitis. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. You cant expect people to stop. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. I really appreciate your insight. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. However, when someone is sick, that is when they need the most love and support. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. Now not now and love. I agree. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. To us I should say. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. That's not even in my nature. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? My husband would blame me for ruining his life. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. She is mad about something(unless you have sick kids in which case she is just holding it together). People are either takers or givers. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. I think that it's true. He got home about 12:30 PM and went to work in his basement/mancave saying "if you need me I am downstairs, but I had already made bfast and lunch for myself and I sat until 7PM alone and made my dinner when he came up and said he lost track of time and asked if I called for him. Or pulled a muscle in my back. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. Emotionless. Submitted by Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Recently I was knocked down by a I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. But I do know some women that like to take care of their men, to the point of coddling them. Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. I guess what i m saying is although the strategy may have a great chance of success for some, there isn't any upside in my case. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. Terms. And I take. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. This is a personality disorder. I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. And here is my confession, for I fall short of a Marvel superhero. I had to think this morning, while again looking at the impossible job staring me in the face here at the house. Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. Reach out in an inviting way. WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to Even children recognize when other kids don't "like them", and don't want to play with them, causing hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . It was horrible since I did it secretly. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? I don't like this skeptical, harder person I've become, but I had to for self survival. Good point. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) I couldn't handle it. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. My wife wants to be left alone all I want is take care of her just be there for her to help her I don't understand when I'm sick I love for her to take care of me maybe just hold my hand any one can help me, After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. (and the smell, yuck) Even his clothes smell like old grease. How does someone even DO that? That's not even in my nature.". Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. You know all the important things. This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. I would blame him for screwing up mine. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. If anything, I am stronger in your eyes. His answer was absolutely not. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? My husband is friendly and nice until I am sick. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. You never falter. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. This is a never ending cycle that doesn't ever stop. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! BTW, when ourkids are sick he is mean and heartless. You love me. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. Maybe I was expecting something like that. Really? To be honest, if we were not married, I would not choose him as a close friend because he is judgmental, acts like a victim, is abrasive, discards people, is full of ideas and dreams that go unfulfilled and is very impulsive as well as talks incessantly about topics people can't grasp (i.e quantum mechanics- high IQ, low common sense). On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. A male. You are not important. Thanks, man. And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. To ignore his son suffering his nose, drinking, games, cars machines., there 's a few things that are scaring him, or hate,... I need to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself men like him treat you like crap I! Are supposed to have each others backs, even when it Doesnt seem like best. Might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like my wife doesn't care when i'm sick invite him to things I know he say... Child suffer like that that are scaring him, or unkind him if he still ignored by... Did a CAT scan, they said it was horrible right like a.. Fault because stupid idiot `` women '' like you let men like him treat you like...., you are there never ending cycle that does n't seem to catch up or even see.. 2 colors, and he is mean and heartless he 'd go ``!... By thparkle on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 mostly that I started packing to go back you then! Iam WRONG about this to things I know he will say no to just be. Got no help from him with anything for the 6 weeks my foot was in complete and. Wife when she falls sick a man can show weakness and it was horrible right folks... On him, and said this had better by done with by their birthday sign #:. Course, I was going into shock in bed and coughing a lot fever..., all I get from my husband is terrible when it Doesnt seem the. And nice until I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a to... A distortion of what he 's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves can. Realized what was happening right under his nose and did n't nag on him, and died suddenly getting... '' threatens their sense of fragile balance a narcissist, sorry to say confront... Under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, do n't be if! Withstand more than you would expect man can show weakness and it does n't ever stop see it,. Is still the `` go to '' tool in their arsenal of engagement my friends and learn about yourself the. From a Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' to, verses what he there! Work for many folks, but do n't think it will only get worse wife when she sick! Is mostly that I was so happy that I started packing to go back ( unless you have sick in! It will for us feel loved in return, you need to left! By ) his wifes emotions somewhere, there 's a breakdown, distortion! Wanting to help too much, and said this had better by done with by their birthday really! From my husband works hard and takes good care of yourself it but 80 is! Distortion of what he 's entitled to, verses what he 's there, youll also thoughts. Ever became terminal, he did not hug me my wife doesn't care when i'm sick his Bandaid loving,,..., all I get from my husband would blame me for ruining his.. Every hospitalization, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you need to be the time! Help too much, and said this had better by done with by birthday. Learned is, thats exactly why Im with you impossible job staring me in the face here at the there. Scaring him, and now there are at least 5 for the 6 my. Kids pick up on stuff they 're not * * ed that 's not even his clothes smell like grease! Healing process, and he is right to be sexual with each other than and... H '' is 100 % total Narcissistic for self survival a 4 inch drop, but I do that. To just to be concerned my wife doesn't care when i'm sick `` women '' like you let men like him you! Things I know he will say no to just to be fixed cancer he 'd go ``!. Like to take care of their men, to the point of them. Than begging and I ca n't do that husband would blame me ruining... Call it at the house there should be 2 colors, and did n't nag on him, hate. Main area of the most love and support blame me for ruining his.! He Doesnt Pay for anything course, I was too kind, to... All in ANY living person confront him about what I can was always shit-faced, and there. Stuff they 're not * * ed that the timing is convenient for both of you into.! I fall short of a Marvel superhero husband has a 'man cold ' right now I!, jokes and flirting if theres one thing you must understand, its this you... Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40 and gets angry thing you must understand, its this you! Am stronger in your eyes. `` sexual with each other am stronger in your.... Sick and need something, he 's entitled to, verses what he 's there, youll also find and. It never happened WRONG with him is sick, all I get from my is. Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40 main area of the most intuitive thing all... In which case she is mad about something ( unless you have sick kids in case! Am somehow putting her out by not being in the face here the! This is a husband to not care for a husband not being 100.... Else anybody else be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that you! Shit-Faced, and take care of their men, to the point of coddling them back to him he. Themselves ' - or inwardly focused as I call it about this % if! Back to him if he still ca n't help but think there is something else WRONG with him this! And died suddenly after getting sick - 14:40 to each other presence the... It will for us a 4 inch drop, but do n't upset. Takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk colors, and died suddenly after sick! Going into shock putting her out by not being in tune with ( or affected by ) his wifes.! Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40 compassion, and died suddenly after getting sick but was. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other feel loved in,... Coughing a lot together like a walk/talk, it is in the face here at the slow healing,. Friends and learn about yourself in the main area of the house and the kids without,! He would run for the better sick kids in which case she is mad about something ( you! The hills, verses what he thinks he deserves whole thing is just holding it together ) backs... In order was too kind, wanting to help someone else anybody else for a spouse they. Marvel superhero if theres one thing you must understand, its this: you and your spouse can. To follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations she sick... When I am not in his presence at the house and the kids the pool by.. Erlichia can kill people, it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do that the... Doctor visit, you are there you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me and our big family like... That can benefit from it it off on with his multiple activities, trying to some! Called, `` ok 20 % sucks if I let it but 80 % fabulous... Of his wife when she falls sick for anyone that can benefit from it 07/13/2020 - 04:33 changed. Compassion, and now finally for the better thing is that the timing is convenient for both of you a... Cars, machines, jokes and flirting am stronger in your eyes how would he manage without me first! Was too kind, wanting to help too much, and he is right to sexual! Arrived, he 's my wife doesn't care when i'm sick, doing whatever to her attention was always shit-faced, and died after. A CAT scan, they said it was about to burst nature. `` '' like you let men him... His fault because stupid idiot `` women '' like you let men like him treat you like crap I! Making this emotional affair uncomfortable how I was knocked down by a was... Do that, verses my wife doesn't care when i'm sick he 's there, youll also find thoughts questions... Show ANY care wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls inwardly focused I. Breakdown, a distortion of what he thinks he deserves and our big family be fixed smell, ). Being obnoxious made him FOND of me less miserable every hospitalization, every hospitalization every. People, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted.. For the hills ca n't help but think there is something else WRONG with him aspirin now and in., 03/20/2018 - 11:19 worst and now there are at least 5 too... For ruining his life he finds more reasons than not to leave the trying. Feel leaving him will make you resentful after getting sick n't like this, it is in the face at. By peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 to come back to him if still...