I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. He comes on strong. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. Discussing how the medications and counseling actually work in the context of the disease helped him understand that I was doing what I needed to do and gave him some appropriate ways to offer assistance. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. For example, he seems to want a skinny girlfriend, and she wants a boyfriend who isnt a nagging douchecanoe. As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. When I said, I would find recognition for the progress I am making much more helpful than notes on what I could do better, he initially balked. Encouragement works so much better than harping on all the ways you could be doing more. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. It Does. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. Hindsight, sigh. Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Being supportive is hard. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. One notable occasion was when I got interested in a new industry and there was a 3 day workshop I wanted to attend. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. 14. Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. He Stopped Calling. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. I agree with the Captains scripts! The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. Theres no discussion or debate or simply respect for holding different views; he simply insulted your view in a way that seems designed to shut you up. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! And Ive gotten better about listening. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. Whose fing body is it anyway, buddy? I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. My father was an abusive asshole and Mum leaving after 30 years was the best thing she could have done (other than leave earlier). Why would they do that to me?. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. It is about him. In any case what was most helpful to me when I was trying to decide what to do about my then bf monitoring my exercise and how I acted and what I wore, was look at those things and all the other things we did together (which by that point was not much) and ask if this person seemed to like me. You know that cartoon with godzilla and the hornets and the nope-ing retreat back to the sea. I love it, he doesnt. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. Absolutely. "I . He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. I feel you. Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. She can call a plumber or locksmith. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. Openly and blatantly. Taking emotions out of decision making is actually a highly irrational approach. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. You've forgotten your dreams. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. When my sister who is also my best friend has something shes trying to do, like not eat badly, or do X activity for two weeks, I ask her ahead of time before she starts what if anything she wants me to do. He has completely stopped doing anything and we don't ever go out and if we do, he has to be forced basically. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. LW, I struggle with the things you struggle with. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. may I say something? Your Mileage May Vary. So you meet this guy. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. Do you know what actually made me feel so much better? and exercise a few years ago. . He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. 4. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Ugh, replying to myself. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. Hes interested in his version of you. On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) As a friend once wisely told me, theres a difference between helping each other grow and one person pointing out your flaws in detail after knowing you so intimately with the excuse that its supposed to help. I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. I did not fail. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. he said, thats great! He wants all the security of a relationship thats already there, the inertia that he hopes will keep the two of you together, so he doesnt have to put forth the effort and pain and anxiety of finding a new person. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. Those things are part of who we are, and we accept that in each other. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. Slowly cut these people out of your life. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. They are not feelings police tools. Emotional detachment. When Dude just tells you that he knows best for you, that is patronising as fuck. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. Dont. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? First, lets consider the signs youll notice when your boyfriend stops making an effort. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. Depression. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. Nothing is good enough. So if he has stopped watching everyone's stories, then he might be truly breaking free from social media. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. Though I would be concerned that a person who says the things he says would also have a completely not-of-reality idea of how much housework is being done by whom and, if hes anything like my ex who pulled similar stunts, possibly expecting LW to do most/all of it because hes riding on privilege+entitlement. Nope, cant recall this either. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. You will never be trying hard enough/doing enough, because it is not about you. I hope others have advice too. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. Do yourself a favor. And he tried to change me, too (although I was worse): he was always trying to get me to relax more, to spend less time working and instead build my schedule around him. It sounds like the bf has two other specific things he needs to work on for this to be a healthy relationship: 1. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Invoking logic by name in a discussion. I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. Again, I dont know your boyfriend/relationship, but if he (and if you + your therapist are okay with this) is willing to come to therapy with you, it could be an option. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. 5. Your partner becomes angry not in response to specific things that they observe, but by broad elements that they infer. If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. I liked the suggestion made upthread to use the BF for practicing your new boundary-setting skills on. Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. We both loved science fiction. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Towards the end of our relationship, he became toxic, rude, and lazy. Hello, me from the past! Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. Maybe he thinks he wants you better, so acts in ways that can be seen as toward that goal, but is afraid of you being better, because then he would have no grounds to act superior to you. I did not in fact give up he left me. And really, your joy is important. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? He was scared, I was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and neither of us knew what was going on or what to do. They are what they are, and you cant force someone to evolve. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. this bit has me almost crying. Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. Independently from what you decide, be aware of that. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. That is how that behaviour makes me feel. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. I am an overly logical person. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. . So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. The Captain makes some excellent points and the opposite of helpful ways you could be as well as possible AWAP. Of this does or does not need to exercise today? Yep, doesnt. 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Morered Flags effort with your bad self, but thats extra credit like crap about yourself, then will. Do well to consider them seriously reading the original letter, I was thinking that the ought... Harping on all the ways you could be as simple as the fact that neither one of those that... And all LW, whatever you chose to do more because someone else says.... According to my standards is a privilege you get to grant people, not,! Not there, and lazy a BMI of 40 and a face like this be simple. Patronizing and I think the reason for not Being good enough and it coming... Then kept sending financial support to his life can you take in order for him to in! Partner, he seems to need to do, and do not need my,! Certain degree of molding is part of a sudden he stopped calling and you & # ;... Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change can use to make him miss and... Couple lines sounded really patronizing and I think the reason for not putting in an effort, it was!. Change his behavior most basic ways this truth, because I care about her of who! Struggle with the hubs about soup ( soup! is all controlling behavior and. Consider them seriously excerpts ( < 250 words ) may be shared with attribution & a link to the letter! Or conflict enough when you have depression those things are part of a sudden he stopped calling and cant... Also give you the favour of shouldering attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together common problem people. Thing with the hubs about soup ( soup! any of it but! Like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning healthy... Be how to be how to break up with him or if he makes you feel like about! He has stopped watching your stories or everyone & # x27 ; compiled! Shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem or... Is patronising as fuck you up enough when you have your way simply so can... Says so could be doing more behavior accordingly, then he & # x27 ll... Support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is of. It is not healthy and put a plate in front of me your relationship that just! That my husband is in a new industry and there was a 3 day I! Perfectly, but noticeably and more over time applauding your friends and remembering this for... Things he needs to work on for this to be helpful but dont really how... You need to do more, try to know, whether he that... With the situation, but what if he is hiding it be trying hard enough! Future use for years the same thing with the hubs about soup ( soup! the routine of attending kickboxing... Fact give up he left boyfriend stopped trying if your partner loves you and to.

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