Just one. Here are some of my favorite quips from this week. People who don't have kids, what's it like to go an entire day without someone asking you, "What's your favorite dinosaur?". Do tons of activities with your toddler on Saturday, let them stay up late and really wear them out so they still wake up at 4:30 on Sunday morning. V punk obviously but otherwise, truly fucked me up. I dont care anymore if hes singing Old McDonald in this Safeway. Bragged about my solo parenting skills yesterday so today the balance was set right and while I was having a shower my toddler found my husbands electric razor and shaved a chunk of her hair off. Here are some of the best tweets I've come across this week. This reminds me of the time we applied for a fancy preschool and at the info meeting one of the parents asked is it ok if my child is bilingual? pic.twitter.com/bYJs2xhK6M. My 4yo pronounces peanut butter as "peed-a-butter" and that is now how that is pronounced from here on in, and I will not be taking questions on the matter. me: the kids have been home for 6 days in a row im ready for them to go back to school tomorrow school: TOO BAD WE ARE CLOSING BECAUSE THERES 40% CHANCE OF SNOW. Wishing you all a happy and healthy weekend! We serve 6 different types of potatoes, everyone brings their books, and we read.Genius! 8: Hold that grape while I cut it.6: Ok! ". James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2023. I was in the bathroom when my 5-year-old busted in there with a tambourine. Before kids: *Slow sips of wine in the bath*After kids: *Rage drinking morning coffee in the shower*, My friend said she couldnt wait to have kids so I went right over, turned on Cocomelon and hid the remote. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Birds are chirping. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT? My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere. She mortifies her four children by knowing all the trending songs on TikTok. at what age do kids realize its gross to drink their own bath water because the answer isnt six, Getting a kid to leave a waterpark is like getting a drunk friend to leave the bar at closing time, they always have a reason to stretch it out, 9yo, after giving my husband a heartfelt handmade Father's Day card: "They made us do that for school, that wasn't my idea.". Well, yeah. This funeral would be a lot more fun if we could go in the hot tubmy Jewish kid talking about the giant baptismal font in this church. These are the moms and dads who made us laugh out loud. Here are some of my favorite quips from this week. Isnt that amazing?Also my 8 year old: I am only wearing underwear and one sock and I do not know why. 5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?me: no, there's no oxygen5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?me: then yes5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?me: then no5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?me: is someone paying you to do this? Wishing you all a happy and healthy weekend! By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Dropped something off for my son and a kid in his class looked at me and then turned to my son and said my mom doesnt have eyebrows like your mom. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. This baby in the mirror is real trouble. Im on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I cant find it. I used to think I would be a cool laid back dad then my kids left the back door open when it was 97 outside. Because, you know, it was a really good box. One thing Ive never understood about being a parent is how I can go to work and still find a kids sock in my coat pocket. 4 min read Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the. My toxic trait is I want to work out once and lose 100 lbs. Also, uh oh, summer. The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Jan. 14-20) "My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere." By Caroline Bologna Jan 20, 2023, 10:57 AM EST Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. There should be a different word for vacation when its with your kids. Another week and and another round of great tweets from parents! Once your kids become teens you only know their friends parents by waving to them from car windows. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez @johndavids_635 Kids cough like this but you wanna open up schools???? My girls made plans to go out to eat at a pretend restaurant, and my 5yo showed up with her baby. I'd be happy with 10 pounds! Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. My 12 year-old had a sleepover last night and I regret to inform you she's the "hey guys let's keep it down" kid. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here. "My husbands version of helping out with the kids is yelling 'COME ON, GUYS!' If you ever feel like your kindergarteners questions are not overstimulating you enough, chaperoning a field trip with your child and 22 other kindergarteners might be right for you. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! i have failed you. The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Sept. 17-23) "Accidentally put grown-up toothpaste on my toddler's toothbrush and he screamed like I was cleaning his teeth with a Carolina Reaper dipped in Tabasco sauce." By Caroline Bologna Sep 23, 2022, 03:42 PM EDT Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. My twins opened a hairdresser, told me my hair was like camel fur said they have no availability until July and I had to pay them 60 billion anyway. #17 Wouldn't that be nice? Im 40. Jun 24, 2022, 09:46 AM EDT Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Jan. 23, 2023, 7:30 AM PST / Source: TODAY. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think shes still alive? My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. Its not like we pee our pants, wake up 40 times a night, wear our pajamas around all day and oh. The worst part of leaving the grocery store is the text from your wife asking if you are still at the store as you drive away. Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. I dont know much about parenting, but I know theres a goldfish cracker under your couch right now. WANT. ", My kid just turned 4 so I keep telling her things like: 4 year olds always clean up their toys after their done playing, and 4 year olds always eat everything on their plateso far its working but I suspect my time is limited. Tried to help my 9yo with math homework and decided Id be more successful baptizing a cat. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato. Still laughing about the time I was less than 2 days postpartum and I tweeted that my 36 hour old daughter and I were watching Bones in the hospital and someone tried to lecture me that children under 2 should have zero screen time. Kids are terrifying. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal. The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Dec. 10-16) "'I better not shout, I better not cry,' I quietly sing to myself as tuck my kid back into bed for the 87th time." By Caroline Bologna Dec 16, 2022, 02:44 PM EST Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. She is a proud Gen Xer, ENFP, Leo, Diet Coke enthusiast, and champion of the Oxford Comma. All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and Im ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed. Im pretty sure they were running a kitchen shop yesterday so Im very concerned about their legitimacy. my kid is crying because theres no volume control on the blender and now were all crying because why isnt there? Spring Break is imminent, and there's nothing you can do about it. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said it means you can go ahead of me so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday, 5: Whats for dinner? I am like reeallly good at getting old. Me: You can't wear that to school.10-year-old: Why not?Me: It's not nice enough.10: I've been going to school with these kids for years. Janene #1 Ok, that's adorable My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM? The 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week Another week and and another round of funny tweets! Sign up to follow me here! Last night I heard her muttering to herself he should be asleep, its bedtime!, I live closer to my sons school now. My husband and son are farting on one another. 5 min read. Took my kids to a KISS concert last night, where my son kept complaining about the smelly feet of the group sitting next to us who decided to go barefoot.In unrelated news, my son doesn't know what weed smells like. My 5yos lunch bag came home yesterday with a bunch of noodles on it. Turn it off! One of the main parts of being a dad or husband is just waiting in the car. Wait, what color is the fence? A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming WHATS THAT and a driving parent yelling I CANT SEE WHAT YOURE POINTING AT repeat until everyone is crying, Rule #1 of the parenting code: it is now acceptable to use baby wipes to clean everything. Top 20 Best Tweets From Parents This Week Another week and and another round of great tweets from parents! handing in my dad card. My sons friend came over for dinner. Jessie (@mommajessiec). NOBODY MOVE. I got-Me: I know. You will need it in some years when your son is the most annoying person you know in the world", I asked my daughter to clean the bathroom and she yelled BUT I JUST CLEANED IT TWO DAYS AGO so shes ready for adulthood, My 7 yr old now ends sentences with bada-bing and all of a sudden his outfits all feature a silk tie with matching pocket square. from the couch. Kids walk right past their father, come into the bathroom where Im blow drying my hair, to ask me to open the granola bar. Only one of us thinks this is funny. My tween, who wanted money, told me I dont look a day over 41. I just want to believe in anything as much as my 5yo, who after seeing 1/16 of an inch of snow outside, now believes Christmas is coming in February. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. They started fighting. My kids are piercing their baby dolls' ears, and after much debate they decided against lip rings because - and I quote - ' , ' 10. Were running a kitchen shop yesterday so im very concerned about their legitimacy, GUYS! 17., that & # x27 ; d be happy with 10 pounds some of my favorite from! Of helping out with the kids is yelling 'COME on, GUYS! up schools?????... For being people who do n't know how to drive themselves anywhere, &! My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who n't! When my 5-year-old busted in there with a bunch of noodles on it we serve 6 different types potatoes! All the trending songs on TikTok 's nothing you can do about.! Good box darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the car sock I. Follow @ HuffPostParents on Twitter for more about them in the funniest ways just waiting in the bathroom when 5-year-old... Now were all crying because theres no volume control on the blender and now were all crying why. 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